Tuesday, 18 October 2011

1st Guests - David Barber's The Two Blokes



“So, a new online magazine, eh?”

“Apparently.”

“I think it looks pretty great myself. What do you make of it?”

“Dunno.”

“Don’t you have anything to say about it?”

“…”

“What are you looking at?”

“Her.”

“Who?”

“Her, over there…..Joanne.”

“Ha! That’s not her real name you know?”

“It is.  Oh, look at her, she’s lovely. Such fantastic top...”

“Bollocks! OK, say her full name to me.”

“Why?”

“Just say it.”

“Joanne Kallott.”

“Yes, about 3 time a week. Hahaha!”

“…”

“Don’t you get it?”

“No.”

“Holy shit! Ok, ok. Do you know Mike Oxlong?”

“Yes.”

“How long is it then?”

“How long is what?”

“Jesus! It’s a made up name.”

“Jesus is?”

“No, well, that's still open to debate, but I’m talking about Mike Oxlong.”

“He’s a real person and it’s a real name.”

“It’s not. Don’t you see it? My…cock’s…long.”

“I don’t particularly want to know about your cock, thank you.”

“You really are a dimwit!”

“…”

“What’s wrong now?”

“I can’t remember her name.”

“Who?”

“That other woman who helps out. She’s foreign, I think.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Ah, that’s it.”

“What’s it?”

“I’ve remembered her name.”

“Well?”

“Sukma Balsak.”

“You what?”

“Yes, Sukma Balsak. That’s her name.”

“Oh, deary, deary me. You really are a twat.”

“Why?”

“BJ told you that’s her name, right?”

“Yes. After telling him what I’d like to do to Joanne, I asked him who the other woman was and he said, ‘Sukma Balsak,’ and walked off.”

“Oh my God, you kill me.  Two more beers please, mate.”

Bio: David Barber's writing has appeared on the Internet in mags such as Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers, A Twist Of Noir, New Flesh and Blink Ink, to name a few. His stories have appeared and are to appear in anthologies.  He is currently working on a novel and short story collection.  He is the editor of The Flash Fiction Offensive and blogs at David Barber's Fiction World.  The Two Blokes are inspired by boozy nights out and YOU!

10 comments:

Col Bury said...

Rip-roaring start to a fun new world. Crackin' intro, Dave. :-)

David Barber said...

Thanks, Col. BJ was a pleasure to work with but Joanne totally rubbed me up the wrong way. Made a right mess!

Col Bury said...

Woo-hoo... long may it "Carry On..."

McDroll said...

Sid James is alive and well...

Thomas Pluck said...

Harry Balzac reporting for duty
:)

Sean Patrick Reardon said...

Man, this is like The Friar's Club. I think you're on to something good here. Maybe a roast event, someday? If you guys, and girls, of course, are looking for some really, really riotous laughs. You should check out Steve Brewer's heist stories, LOST VEGAS, THE BIG WINK, and CALABAMA. I'm as fickle a guy as there is when it comes to to making me laugh and I've been pissing myself over these stories. You know me well enough, I think, to know I am no schiller. Just figured this audience would dig them as much as I have. You can read plenty of sample of each at Smashwords, to judge for yourself, before parting with any $.

ajhayes2 said...

Quick. Get the tee shirts out quick! The blokes are on the verge of world conquerer-ism. We're talking ground floor here -- maybe sub-sub-basement. Just keep an eye on the couinter thingee. In the blink of an eye it's gone from 364 to, well, 364 . . . but that's, before you know it, gonna be 365. Cool!

Chris Rhatigan said...

Ha! It's like an Abbott and Costello routine. Nicely done. I'll be looking for more of these blokes in the future.

Anonymous said...

YOU'RE SICK! :) Congrats on the new site and best of luck.

Jeanette Cheezum

Matt Hilton said...

Lost for words...too busy laughing.