Wednesday, 23 November 2011

The Surrealist Corrections Department by Cornelius Chapman



            CORRECTION:  In the Leisure and Arts story, "Fantastical Images of Dance--a Surrealist's Work Goes on View After 50 Years," Brett Littman said that he had seen a costume drawing of a squid atop a pile of other drawings at Dorothea Tanning's archive.  Mr. Littman did not see a costume drawing featuring a squid at her archive. 

                                                       The Wall Street Journal

            In the May edition of "Splattered Pants: The Absurdist's Guide to Pigeon Racing," it was incorrectly reported that Antonin Artaud's sister uses roll-on deodorant.  Mr. Artaud has no sister, and she uses Mitchum Extra-Wet Spray-On Protection deodorant.  Splattered Pants regrets its error.

            In the Tuesday, June 1st edition of Vortex: The Poetry Journal for French Bidet Industry Professionals, Marcel Duchamp was quoted as saying "There is no art without toilets."  A review of the reporter's tape recording of the interview with Monsieur Duchamp reveals that he in fact said "Where is the lavatory, and why are you eating steel wool?"  Vortex stands corrected.

            In the annual Christmas double-issue of Au Poivre Dans La Gateaux, Eugene Ionesco's right ear lobe was inadvertently included in the "Scratch 'n Sniff" pull-out card.  Monsieur Ionesco's ingrown toenail should have been included.  Readers who received the incorrect insert can jump off a chair onto a dust-bunny for all the editors care.

            A printing error in yesterday's Le Jeux d'Escargot resulted in an erroneous price for the 1.5 litre bottle of L'Esprite, the refreshing lemon-lime soft drink.  The price when converted from Celsius to Fahrenheit is your parrot's fedora.

            A "hoky" is a lightweight wet-dry sweeper made by Oreck; a "hokie" is the mascot of Virginia Tech.  A photo caption in yesterday's Mal heure est-il? beneath a photograph of Nicholas Sarkozy doing the hokey-pokey improperly suggested that he was doing the Funky Penguin.  The editors deny any intentional implication to the contrary. 

            In the Summer Cookout issue Andre Breton's name was misspelled as "buffalos."  The plural of Monsieur Breton's name is formed without adding an "s," and should be cooked on high heat for no more than eight minutes per side.  We deeply regret our error. 

Cornelius is a Boston-area writer whose humor has appeared in The Atlantic Monthly and The Boston Globe among print publications, and a number of on-line publications including Salon.com.   Author of two novels and forty e-books of humor which can be viewed on my amazon.com author’s page.  He blogs at conchapman.wordpress.com and his website is www.conchapman.com.

5 comments:

ajhayes2 said...

Well, hell. First they take away Octopi, now buffaloes (cite: one potato two potatoes and, of course, one booth two beeth)what the plurality's going on here?
Provided a right guffaw, you did. Thanks.

David Barber said...

This made me chuckle throughout. Anything with a "scratch 'n' sniff earlobe is a winner with me.

Well done, Con!

Groovydaz40 said...

I love a bit of surrealist humour. Our mistakes provide the most humour. Chapman makes an art form of this simple premise.

Thomas Pluck said...

Hello, Dali... lots of fun here. Dust bunny jumping is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Madam Z said...

I always suspected that Nicholas Sarkozy was a Funky Penguin, but I didn't know he wasn't doing one. Thank you for clearing up that mystery. My dust bunnies thank you as well.